My first encounter with erectile dysfunction was simply miserable. It was a complete shock. It felt like a betrayal. It inundated me with confusion. It turned my world upside down. From being brilliant and close to perfect, my life took a sharp turn downhill.
I had graduated from university a couple of years ago, was working at a prestigious (at least as far as I was concerned) financial firm in NYC, worked hard, made a good living, had good friends, and was very upbeat about life and the future. It was one of the first summer days of the year and the city was teaming with life. It was like a happy story from a feel-good movie. It couldn’t be any better.
For the past three weeks, I had been going out with this (in my opinion) gorgeous and wonderful woman. I was beyond infatuated. Was crazy about her.
I was on my way over to her apartment for the first time. I rang the doorbell, she opened. She pulled me inside by the t-shirt. She caught me completely off guard and before I had a chance to think, her wet tongue was halfway down my throat. It was like another scene from the same happy movie. We made out on the kitchen table. Stuff fell to the floor. We were like kids. We laughed. We made out again. We almost melted into each other.
I could feel a rock hard erection almost bursting my jeans. She grabbed my crotch. I carried her to the bedroom. She continued sucking my tongue. Clothes flew left and right and soon we were butt naked except for my socks. She grabbed my crotch again. But..
My dick was limp. It was flaccid. It was totally dead. I looked down and I was dumbfounded. Huh..!?? What..!!? Why..? What was going on?? What was wrong with my penis?? Why didn’t it want to play? I was in bed with a completely naked, absolutely gorgeous and awesome woman – what in this world could be more of a turn-on than this..?? And then my penis wasn’t interested..??
She tried mouth to penis resuscitation. It wasn’t not working. She tried rubbing her vagina against me. It didn’t work. Tried her breasts. It didn’t work. She kept on trying. Tried again, tried really hard. One more time.
But nothing helped. It didn’t co-operate. It was just totally dead.
She gave up, said it was OK..
It was not OK.
I wished there was a hole in the ground I could fall down into and disappear. And be gone. I felt hopeless. Like a complete failure. It was like my man-hood was taken from me. I wasn’t even a boy. My confidence was shattered to pieces. It was awkward. So very awkward. And embarrassing. But probably most of all, I felt really bad for the upset woman laying next to me. She was just great, and she had even done everything she could to make it work. I wanted to make her happy, I wanted her to feel good. We started off so good, and now we were laying on the bed in complete misery, me staring at the ceiling. I had completely ruined the moment. A few moments ago, she was the happiest person in the world. Now I had no idea what she was thinking. What if she felt she did something wrong? Or perhaps she felt she wasn’t good enough, or that I wasn’t attracted to her? Or that something was wrong with her?
I told her I was really, really sorry and I promised it would never happen again.
I assumed it was a one-time event. But it wasn’t. It kept happening. Again and again. Btw, the girl later left me, saying she was convinced I was gay.
It took some time before this really sunk in, before I realized that I actually suffered from erectile dysfunction. Yet, the fact that I couldn’t perform sexually was a mystery to me. I was utterly confused. What was the problem? Why wouldn’t I get hard? Why would this happen to someone like me? I was athletic, worked out a few times a week, ate well and was in my late 20s. I didn’t smoke, drank only modestly, and was living what I thought was a very healthy life. This just didn’t seem right or normal. It didn’t make any sense. Why was this happening..?
I used to be, or at least considered myself to be, an alpha male. I used to be confident, often the center of attention, I cracked jokes, I was fun, I was happy. All of that was gone. I was now just a shadow of myself. I was a man with a handicap. I had stopped smiling. It was not cool. There had to be a way. There had to be a way to fix this. I was desperate to find a solution. I was dying to have a healthy, normal sex-life again.
This is where my journey started. The journey that took more than 10 years. The journey that put me through despair, complete confusion, utter frustration, anger, but also hope, anticipation and progress. The journey that lead me towards a solution. And the journey that in the end enabled me to overcome my problems.
To learn about the next part of my journey, please go here.